Japan Lover

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Posted on: 26 July 2009

Japanese Garden

Japanese Garden

Good morning y’all (I feel a bit like Kanye rapping when I write “y’all”… it’s Mash’s fault, we’ve spoken yesterday with him and he just says this all time…).

Already woken up.

Already checked Divine Adam’s tweets, of course (already at song number 5?!? That’s AWESOME… :)), alredy the brain of mine is hectically spinning in front of a day which will see Karim and I booking flights and some hotels for our JAPAN TRIP. Can’t really explain how does this feel. I’m gonna finally reach Japan. The Country that fascinates me most in the entire world, the place where I just want to go since I am probably… three years old.

And it’s no strange that I have decided finally to get there along Karim. Just the two of us. Two people. One embodied essence together.

Am I in love?

I suppose that I am, cos I feel without this guy my life just couldn’t be tenth as good. I don’t wanna claim “I’m in love” cos I seriously doubt everything about this feeling. I don’t wanna give names. I just wanna feel. Karim is back at his apartment in Milan, we couldn’t be together this past night so I had time to think and it was so powerful to recall all the stages in our relationship. A strange one, sure. But something we both knew from the start was going to be unique.

He turned me into kind of a faithful person. Yes, I have a BIG open space for that but outside from my dreamy step, really, I could have anybody that I find hot in front of me ready to tease me the way I have never been able to say no to.. and I just wouldn’t surrender. Due to him.

This is an achievement beyond any expectations as everyone who really got to know me realizes. And it was a progression that just didn’t feel like a loss to me. It felt like an empowerment.

I know I made him suffer. I always do. It’s not done out on purpose, it’s just that I am selfish and all that I like, I wanna take it regardeless of second thoughts or others’ views on that. I forced him to a threesome with one of his best friends ever, that was one of the meanest things ever done to any good soul (though I bet it was just TOP for all of us involved, INCLUDED Karim); I played infront of him in disco clubs, I forced him to force me in locked rooms and all in all, I just always tried to rule our game.

Just that I didn’t realize while I was thinkin I was the queen, he was making the biggest of impacts not inside my rational side… he was winning over me in my emotional one, the one that now seems to rule me.

And it feels just so wonderful.

We’ve spoken during this weekend, in between our bedgames that always are just so… perfect?!
We’ve talked a lot and we’ve reached a couple of certainities about us.

We wanna see how this may go. Seriously. But without people getting in our way. We will have also to decide where we ant to live. Money is not a problem. Chances are not a problem. Families are not a problem. And we’re both travelers. So it’s just a matter of what we really want for ourselves.. and I mean together.

We’ve also agreed that my “special plan” got to be eventually executed while he’s away, not in the same emisphere than me. He would just overreact otherwise. And I would overreact as well.

I said then that since he is so generous I would be too. I said I give him rightly one shot as well. It’s again masterful what he said back to me then:

“I know you don’t trust that people really can be faithful, I know you enough by now to see this thought really can’t blossom in you and stay but I don’t need “a shot”. I don’t have a sexual dream like you have. I mean.. you are mine and there’s where it ends and stops. I am not playing the part of the superior one here… it’s just that we are different in this and so in a way your own shot is mine as well. You take your chance, and I will feel like mine is the chance to feel like you’ve left me for then realize you wanan be with me again and back forever. That feeling of winning in the end is gonna be my dream come true fully. That’s my shot. Don’t wanna another one of any kind.”

Know what?

I believe him.

I’m looking at japanese gardens. I will soon see them and I feel so happy. Japanese gardens are to me an image of supreme grace.. balance and variety in a supreme aesthetically pleasant shape. A mixture of colours and proportions that just feels right within the soul.. something that seems casual and instead is deeply worked and thought, just naturally following the perceptions that can’t be rationalized only through the brain, and that need the work of the spirit, too.

I think of Karim sometimes like a master of Japanese gardens.

I think of him like my own garden of spirit and mind.

And I’m just so thankful.

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